I bet the chameleon gets tired…
I think it’s a defense mechanism, but I wonder if a chameleon gets tired of trying to blend in…I know *I* do sometimes…Blending in often means being someone you’re not…it’s way easier to just be yourself…if someone likes you, good…if they don’t, so be it…I think most of us try to adapt to our surroundings…*I* at least will act a bit differently around the people whose trash I collect than I would around the people who come to a bar to hear me play Music…after all, those Tenleytown people are “professionals”, probably well-educated, certainly in a higher “class” than me and/or better off financially, etc. I’m NOT saying they’re better, but I’m willing to bet that at least some of them think they are…after all, I’m just a janitor…When I think about what I wanted to be doing by now compared to what I AM doing…it makes me wish I was done, finished, gone…dead…
For the past few years I’ve been working (Musically) with someone I’m not naturally compatible with…and I’m kinda tired of trying to fit in her World…In fact, looking back on it, I had to adapt to fit in my ex-wife’s World…the side effect of all this blending is that I don’t know the real me anymore, if there is one…
what, you may ask, brought this on? Well…I went to bed at 2:30AM. Exactly two hours later, I was awakened by a recurrence of the “stomach problem”…To pass the time, I checked in via cell phone with Fakebook–BIG mistake…I got a p.m. from SLR saying, among other things, “You said some pretty inappropriate things on Sunday” at OUR gig…this is news to me; why DID she sit on this for a week? She accused me of not supporting her enough…WTF? I gave away a half a dozen or so of her CDs (that WE did) because I believe in her talent…I guess she’ll be upset if/when she finds out I didn’t SELL ’em…And I was very often telling people that I thought she was the “best” female singer around, although I don’t like to say “best” (or “worst” for that matter–it’s an opinion, not a Fact) Like I said before, most of her Fakebook posts referred to HER show…Perhaps *I* was wrong to think of them as OUR shows…The reality is any halfway decent guitarist can learn the parts *I* wrote…They may even put some of themselves into Music, as opposed to being a Xerox machine…Like I also said before, the Beatles’ break-up (after they stopped touring) took three years…I hope the break with SLR doesn’t take that long…*I* can’t wait that long, I know that…
AN HOUR LATER–via Fakebook, *I* suggested we call it quits…I imagine she’s furious…once again a Man attempts to control her destiny…I think I know how much she hates THAT…oh well…
ADDENDUM–yeah, she’s not happy…for now I’m not responding to anything she writes…I’m not at all sure, but I THINK she thinks/knows we’re done…so be it…
UPDATE–went to the roomie’s company picnic…hung out a bunch, ate a little…came home…I was ME, more or less…STILL having stomach problems, but I WILL be going to work around 1AM; I’m gonna do what I feel like doing and probably nothing more…I ABSOLUTELY have to be out by 7AM; Hoping to start by 2AM and be out by around 6AM…and be back in bed by 10AM…we’ll see…