FriendBurst Blog

Awhile back, I read an article about totems. A totem is any natural or mythical animal to whom you feel a close connection during your life or some particular period of your life. The native people of many countries believe that we each have one. The energy of the totem animal is supposed to speak to you in some way that is relevant to your own personality or circumstance in life and is supposed to be connected to your spirit. It has only been in recent years that I have developed a fondness, or you might even say an affinity, for butterflies. So after reading this article, I decided to see if there was any kind of validity to be found in it. Reading the article further, it said that butterflies teach change, love and transformation. Now whether or not we each have a personal totem animal remains to be seen and is up to each of our own personal beliefs but I will say that it seemed to be a perfect fit for me and for my life. I like to think that I have a “Butterfly Spirit”.

Most people tell me they find me to be open, straightforward, sweet, friendly and bubbly….dare I say even just a hair “perky” sometimes (Yeah I know, YECK, right? LOL). That is how everyone sees me NOW but it should be known that it has taken me years to get this way, or at least feel confidant enough to let the world see all of these sides to me. It took me many years of metamorphoses during different times of my life for me to eventually let my butterfly spirit free.

I was fortunate enough to have had a very happy childhood. Everyone tells me I was always happy and smiling and I guess I should believe them because that’s how I look in all of my pictures, like the one above.

Life was happy and carefree for me then but once I started school, reality hit me upside the head but good. I soon came to learn the real world, even at that young of an age, wasn’t always as sweet and carefree as I had always believed it was. I learned quickly, and the hard way, that sometimes people aren’t always as they appear to be and that if you trust too easily and leave yourself completely open for it, you will get hurt and get hurt badly. My first metamorphosis had just taken place.

At the age of 11, I didn’t know whose friendship I could trust anymore and who wouldn’t hurt me, so I decided it was best to trust no one and let no one get close enough to me to ever let them hurt me that way again. I built up an emotional wall so high and wide that no one could get through it to me. I became a loner and the little girl who was shy around people yet was a chatterbox at home, became very quiet overall. When I was around anyone outside of my family, I was so afraid that if  I said the wrong thing I would draw attention to myself and paint a big old “Tease me” target on my back. I stayed that way throughout my teen years. To make matters even worse at about the same age, puberty hit me and it hit me HARD. I put on a lot of weight and I also lost one of my front teeth a few months earlier. When it grew in, it stuck out and didn’t line up properly with my other front tooth so now on top of everything else, I had a buck tooth and a gap between my teeth as well. Now began an awkward stage that would last more than a decade for me. When I was a very little girl and would go places with my parents, people would often tell them “Oh your daughter, she is so cute and so pretty.” Then one day, and I can still remember the day quite clearly, I was out with my Mom looking as I described above. Someone said to my Mom, “So……this is your daughter.  😐  ” Gone were my days of being called “cute and pretty”. I can still remember how hurt I felt by their careless remark. I was sad and lonely and hated what I saw everytime I looked into the mirror. My next metamorphosis had taken place.

I remember a day when I first started the 7^th grade. I was in the girl’s bathroom and saw all of the older, pretty girls in there applying make-up and talking about their boyfriends and what they did over the weekend. They were popular, with the boys and in their own right. They all seemed so confident and so unaware of the “gift” they had by being attractive and confident enough to say and do whatever they wanted to without a second thought or care. When they all left, I stood in front of the mirror and took a long, hard look at myself. I knew that if I was ever going to get anywhere in life I sure as heck wasn’t going to be able to by my looks, so I decided I would throw myself into my schoolwork and get the best grades that I possibly could. My next metamorphosis had taken place.

I achieved my goal. Every quarter, I would bring home straight A+’s and made the honor role everytime. In three years, I graduated from high school with a perfect 4.0 GPA , with honors, and I was my class valedictorian as well. By the age of 17, my appearance started to improve a BIT as well and I didn’t hate what I saw quite as much. The weight had started to distribute itself to “all of the right places” and over time, my crooked front tooth started to slowly fall into place, much like when you have a tooth extracted and the teeth on both sides of it slowly move closer together. But it wasn’t too long after this that my life took another turn. Both my aunt and uncle took strokes in a relatively close period of time. Now my family, the only ones up to that time who were ever there for me,  needed me and I wasn’t about to refuse them. My next metamorphosis had taken place.

For several years I helped in their care, more so for my aunt who was in greater need of help. We all pitched in and did what we could, I had basically become my aunt’s patient advocate, and was in charge of her appointments, dealing with the doctors, visiting nurses, bills and such. This went on for several years and then they both passed away. Throughout this difficult time although I had my family, I was still very much alone. I had no one, no friends to speak of. The pain of my loneliness had started to outweigh the possible pain I could endure if I allowed someone to try and get close to me. I had learned through the years how to establish some emotional boundaries and I now felt I could let people in, ever so slowly and carefully. Around this time my father decided to go on a diet and I decided to join him on it. My greatest metamorphosis was about to occur.

I had just turned 30. I lost all the weight I needed to and I FINALLY started to get noticed. In time I made friends and in time I started my first real relationship. I felt like I had started to live. But recently I have realized something. Through all of these years, of taking care of my grades, taking care of my family and taking care of everything that needed to get done. I forget to take care of one very important thing in the process……myself. My next metamorphosis is taking place right now.

This is me now, 8 years later. I just took this picture a few days ago. These days I’m learning what I like, what I’m good at, and what feeds my soul. These days I am trying to challenge myself to learn new things and try things I never would have before. I’m trying to learn to depend on myself for my own happiness and for everything else that follows. So I truly believe that I do have a butterfly spirit, one seemingly always bracing for the next metamorphosis, as I keep trying my best to make life a good one for everyone…..including me.