FriendBurst Blog

I’ll never forget it, I’m not absolutely sure how old I was, perhaps 13 or so. I was still riding my decked out, bad boy, blue metal flake, 5 speed Sting Ray Schwinn chopper bicycle from hell, I had already tied Trudy up and made her kiss me in the forest, so I was older than 11. I wasn’t driving a car yet…well…not legally or during the day light hours anyway, so I was somewhere between 11 and 15.

It was a Saturday Morning, school had finished for the year and my neighborhood cronies and myself were looking forward to a summer of mayhem (We were experts at mayhem let me tell you.). I had on only my cut off jean shorts (Must wear for any budding Genghis Kahn.) and was headed out the door when my mother called me into the living room.

There sat my mother and father looking very grave. Them sitting together like that meant some very bad weirdorama fucking mojo for yours truly and I immediately went on red alert! They told me they wanted to talk to me (uh oh) and to sit down. They said they were concerned about my behavior and after much discussion (Discussion my ass, they rarely spoke.) agreed on a plan of help for me (Help? Huh?).

Thank Sunny Jesus they had to have my approval because they wanted me to spend the summer in a Mental Hospital! Really! I’m not kidding! A Mental Hospital! At first I thought they were kidding, I kept looking around for a hidden camera…OKAY WHERE’S ALAN FUNT…then after a few minutes I realized they were serious. A MENTAL HOSPITAL! There was one in a city near us, I’m not sure if it’s still there…but…A FUCKING MENTAL HOSPITAL! After the gravity of the situation sank in I became livid…I…was…pissed! They tried to convince me for half an hour that I needed this, but I kept up a fierce “Get the fuck outta here!” attitude and prevailed. A MENTAL HOSPITAL! I just couldn’t believe it.

Now I was no angel and sure…I might have tied up Trudy in the woods and made her kiss me and alright…I might have gotten into a brawl or two and okay…sometimes mayhem lasted for a few days and nights and…the cops come to everyone’s house every now and then…don’t they? But…A FUCKING MENTAL HOSPITAL?! *Snoooooooooorts*

As it turned out, I just should have went, I didn’t realize there were consequences to the resistance of mental health. They made me stay home every Saturday morning, almost all summer long because they had people coming to talk to me.  First came a Minister…then came a State Patrolman…actually he came about 4 times…I would have thought after the first time he would have gotten the idea I wasn’t thrilled with the therapy! Then women started coming from some “Reach Out To Youth” bullshit group (One was actually very cute, I didn’t mind her, spectacular breasts, I wept and confessed on her shoulder *winks*, sadly she came only once.). I was so pissed! I tried telling them all that it was my mother and father that were nuts…but…hell…*shakes head* they wouldn’t listen.

School finally started again and my “Therapy Sessions” ended…JESUS…A FUCKING MENTAL HOSPITAL!