FriendBurst Blog

As I awoke to the sound of pouring rain and the howling of the wind my heart is so heavy with grief.  38 years ago my Angel Jessika was born on a day just like this. We had a coastal storm along the shore line in Maine that day. Nothing like the devastation of Sandy! It does not help with the heaviness I feel in my heart this morning. Just one life lost in the wake of Sandy can change a person’s life forever. Material things can be replaced, but a life cannot.

When I gave birth to Jessika and I held her for the first time in my arms I feel deeply in love with this tiny person that just came out of my womb.  She was so beautiful with patches of golden hair.  The first time I brought her to my breast to feed her my bond was so deep and profound with this child that I have given birth to left me in total awe and amazement on what a life is!

Time passed with the usual things of what a childhood should be. Full of many memories. When her sister was born less then 2 years later she became the “Mommy” treating my other bundle of joy like one of her dolls. Wanting to feed her and change her. She was Mommy’s helper. The two sisters became so close..even though they where polar opposite of each other! They always counted and comforted each other through their whole lives. I was blessed and still am.

She grew up and left my nest and became a wife and a mother of her own. She was blessed with 3 wonderful sons, whom she adored and loved unconditionally. She always had a smile on her face and had the knack to make someone smile when they where down. Especially me! It was rough for us at times. We where 2 stubborn souls who at times butted heads. But we never went a day without talking to each other on the phone.

Many times I have gone into the pits of hell. Into a world full of nothing but darkness. When it happens I can feel this hand ever so softly on my back pushing me out of the flames of hell I have fallen into. Then I do not know if its a “light” I see or its her spirit telling me it is not time to be where she is. A feeling of utter peace that is indescribable comes over me. Its my Jessika keeping me of this world I dwell in. To give me strength to move forward. I am not done doing what I need to do on this earth. I ask myself over and over what is it that I must do? There are no answers of course. I had a very deep profound experience when I was caught between 2 worlds last July. My Mom and my daughter said it was the longest minute of their lives. All I remember is beautiful shades of blues and greens and me wanting to stay there because of the total feeling of peace I felt. I saw and felt Jessika push me HARD from that place of peace and said its not time yet. The next thing I remember is crying saying I don’t want to die! From that moment on I am no longer afraid of death, for I know I will be with her again and I will have that beautiful peace I was blessed to have felt.

Yes her dying has left me with a void in my heart and soul that will never be gone. I have learned its a part of me and who I am. It is the most horrible thing to feel and live with. People who shed tears and have their hearts shredded because of the chaos of this world and their own world is nothing like losing your child. Heartaches experienced are horrible and one should never say “GET OVER IT”! Only another who has had the misfortune of experiencing this horrible thing can truly understand. There are no words to describe the death of your child when you don’t understand yourself the reason why it had to happen.
Its a part of me I must live with. I will never ever while I breath get over it…because you can’t! Nor do I accept it. I just live with it in my heart and soul and at times I let my grief consume me…then I am given the strength to keep moving on.

Today despite this horrible rainy day I will make my 10th visit to her final resting place and leave her a big Pink Happy Birthday Balloon with a small bouquet of pink dyed daises. Pink was her favorite color and daises her favorite flower. I shall bring your song and sing it to you…Amazing Grace…How sweet it is! I remember when you where 12 and sang this song solo! Not a dry eye in church that Sunday.

Happy 38th Birthday Day Jessika Jean…your my guiding force who continues to give me strength every day and bless me with so much I have in my life. Your spirit is with me every day for I can feel you with me.
With all my being I love and miss you terribly my Angel..My Jessika. Happy Birth-Day.
Love,
Mom