\n<\/font><\/p>\n
First off, let me just verify something about my last words.\u00a0 Yeah, I had a lot of words in my life.\u00a0 Some of them were reported in the Gospels accurately, others, not so much.\u00a0 Can you imagine if the things your said in your life were written down some 50 odd years after your death by dudes you never even met?\u00a0 How accurate would they be?\u00a0 Frankly, I\u2019m surprised they didn\u2019t report something like me advocating the wearing of chicken feathers on Tuesdays or the inherent divinity of the garbanzo bean. <\/font><\/p>\n It\u2019s not like I didn\u2019t earn these powers.\u00a0 You know why the first 30 years of my life are not mentioned in the Gospels?\u00a0 It\u2019s because I was studying, and me, the son of fucking God, being in the position of the inferior position of the student, the learner, the disciple, well, it doesn\u2019t go well with the idea that I was divinity incarnate.\u00a0 You think being the Messiah is just something you fall into?\u00a0 Hell no!\u00a0 I spent years studying amongst the Egyptians (those fuckers are freaky; they marry their sisters), the Persians (Zoroastrians see everything as black and white), the Indians (Hindu?\u00a0 How bout Hindon\u2019t!) and those righteous dudes, the Essenes.\u00a0 Yeah, I pretty much lifted all my teachings from the Essenes, but what the hey, if it\u2019s the truth, it\u2019s the truth!\u00a0 Right?<\/p>\n To say I wasn\u2019t born the child of God would be inaccurate. I was.\u00a0 Guess what?\u00a0 So were you<\/strong>.\u00a0 I just happened to work really hard to keep that connection with good \u2018ol Dad.\u00a0 You didn\u2019t.<\/p>\n Still though, I gotta admit, I was pretty full of myself.\u00a0 I was on a suicide quest.\u00a0 I was the Jim Morrison or Curt Then came Judas and his goddamn kiss. First off, let me say I\u2019ve never been real comfortable with this middle eastern custom of dudes kissing one another.\u00a0 I am not fucking Borat fer Messakes!\u00a0 Lesson learned.\u00a0 If a dude comes up to kiss you flanked by a dozen Roman guards, yeah, THAT\u2019S when I shoulda turned the other cheek!\u00a0 At least we got a ear off one of those muthafuckers without reprisal.<\/p>\n One irony about my death is that for 700 years or so (since the Crusades), Xtians have marched through Jerusalem at this time of year recreating my death march.\u00a0 Ummm\u2026 How bout they get whipped close\u00a0 to death before the march (they don\u2019t do that) and then march the 2 miles or so along the Stations of the Cross?\u00a0 Here\u2019s the thing: the Medieval stations of the cross are all wrong.\u00a0 The thousands who\u2019ve marched this path in Jerusalem are marching down the wrong road!\u00a0 My final trial and whipping happened at Pilate\u2019s residence on the west side of town, not the Roman citadel up in the northeast as has been believed by Westerners for centuries.\u00a0 Anyhoots, it\u2019s not like these zealot\u2019s masochistic rituals mean a hill of beans anyways.\u00a0 That they\u2019ve been doing it on the wrong road for 700 years, kinda makes it ironically funny.<\/p>\n So, in conclusion, here on this Holy Week, I hope I\u2019ve set the record straight on my death.\u00a0 You call today \u201cGood Friday\u201d.\u00a0 Ummm\u2026 I got fucking crucified today!\u00a0 It\u2019s the most painful way of dying ever created!\u00a0 You Americans bitch about how your government \u201ctortured\u201d Moselms.\u00a0 You don\u2019t know the half of it!\u00a0 GOOD Friday.\u00a0 How bout we rename it, \u201cOHHMYFUCKINGGOD! OWWW!! YOU\u2019RE DRIVING A STAKE THROUGH MY WRIST Friday\u201d.<\/strong><\/em> Yeah.\u00a0 If you want to honor me, that would be a good first step.\u00a0 That\u2019s better than \u201cThe Day Jesus Questioned his Faith Day\u201d and when you reflect upon the \u201cEloi, Eloi, Lama Sabacthani\u201d<\/strong> last words, that\u2019s what you might think.<\/p>\n My buddy Joko has a 6:52 AM tee time for a what will hopefully be a full round of golf tomorrow.\u00a0 His prayers to me for breaking 100 tomorrow for the first time ever are to no avail.\u00a0 I ain\u2019t got no control over golf.\u00a0\u00a0 Best I can do is wake him up on time.\u00a0 G\u2019night folks, and Happy OHMYKUFFINGGOD THEY\u2019RE CRUCIFYING ME Friday!<\/font><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" (editor’s note: I was looking for an entirely different document when I came across this note from Jesus I wrote 3 years ago today.\u00a0 I don’t think it was ever published…) Hey folks!\u00a0 Jesus here. It\u2019s been 1976 years since I been rappin at ya, so I thought that since we\u2019re coming up on the […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[840],"tags":[3072,1582],"class_list":["post-85992","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-religion-2","tag-easter","tag-jesus"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/friendburst.com\/blog-new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/85992","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/friendburst.com\/blog-new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/friendburst.com\/blog-new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/friendburst.com\/blog-new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=85992"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/friendburst.com\/blog-new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/85992\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/friendburst.com\/blog-new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=85992"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/friendburst.com\/blog-new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=85992"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/friendburst.com\/blog-new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=85992"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}![\"\"](\"http:\/\/hiphollywood.com\/storage\/jesus_homeboy.jpg?__SQUARESPACE_CACHEVERSION=1291159725095\")
Hey folks!\u00a0 Jesus here. It\u2019s been 1976 years since I been rappin at ya, so I thought that since we\u2019re coming up on the anniversary of my death, I\u2019d give you all a shout and let you know what that experience was really like and what I hoped might be my legacy after I died.<\/p>\n
\nIn any case, I was really pissed off at Dad while I was hanging there on the cross, nails pounded through my feet and wrists.\u00a0 Can you imagine how painful it was having stakes driven through your feet?\u00a0 No, you can\u2019t.\u00a0 Maybe if you\u2019re a mother and have experienced the pain of childbirth.\u00a0 Imagine that extended over hours and hours.\u00a0 Yeah.\u00a0 Getting crucified really sucks.<\/p>\n![\"\"](\"http:\/\/t.qkme.me\/35ibw5.jpg\")
So my last words were \u201cEloi, Eloi, Lama Sabacthani?\u201d<\/strong> in other words, \u201cMy God, My God, why have your forsaken me?\u201d\u00a0\u00a0 Geezus, that\u2018s whiney.\u00a0 Err, I mean, ME, that\u2019s whiney.\u00a0 How fucking ungrateful a final statement is that?\u00a0 Well, fucking sue me, I was getting crucified for me\u2019s sake! Through God, I went from the son of a humble carpenter (that whole Immaculate Conception stuff, um, yeah, that was the residual effect of those freaky Greeks who believed that gods could fuck women.\u00a0 Kinda strikes me as a convenient excuse for infidelity).\u00a0 I went from a nothing to King of the Jews!\u00a0 Herod can bite my left butt cheek; the people wanted ME as their king.\u00a0 Not only that, but God gave me these healing powers.\u00a0 I could fucking walk on water for Messake!<\/p>\n![\"\"](\"http:\/\/i157.photobucket.com\/albums\/t80\/Kat16_photo\/Jesus_Cobain.jpg\")
Cobain of my day.\u00a0 I went into Jerusalem 1976 years ago this week with a HUGE fucking chip on my shoulder.\u00a0 How the fuck I got away with turning over the moneychangers tables without being arrested on the spot is a mystery to me.\u00a0 Maybe the authorities somehow knew I needed a more dramatic ending.\u00a0 Once I got away with that, well, to say I was feeling invulnerable, yeah, that would be pretty accurate.\u00a0 No one could touch me!<\/p>\n![\"\"](\"http:\/\/www.backstage.com\/bso\/photos\/stylus\/1320718-jesus-christ-superstar_bruce-dow_joan-marcus_lrg.jpg\")
So then I got brought before Herod.\u00a0 Let me tell you, the only accurate representation of that scene came from the film version of Andrew Lloyd Webber\u2019s Jesus Chris Superstar.\u00a0 Herod was a homo freak who pranced around in his tunic and danced on the borderline between being a Jew or a Roman.\u00a0 I wouldn\u2019t give him the time of day and that infuriated his faggot traitor core. <\/font><\/p>\n
\nSo then came that ass-hole Pontius Pilate.\u00a0 He asked me if I was the King of the Jews. Talk about a no win situation!\u00a0 Say yes and get executed for usurping Herod\u2019s throne.\u00a0 Say no and get executed for misrepresentation (remember, that\u2019s what the masses were saying about me,\u00a0 Hey, felt good at the time!).\u00a0 Pilate was a politician.\u00a0 Wouldn\u2019t have mattered what I\u2019d said.\u00a0 I was gonna be executed either way.<\/p>\n