I don’t know where to start…
It has been a painful journey. It is one of great loss caused by following idealism,love and values. Lost a husband after a long sickness ..thought he was the love of my life …then then love come again ..marriage .. then been abandon ..because he dont like the sacrifice of what a family brings …The pain is enormous….. So where does one start when he fears, through recalling a relentless saga of painful memories for the purpose of sharing with others.
I am no longer the confidant person I once was. I feel that I am a failure, although I know factually that I did not cause my losses; they are deeply embedded emotions which drive my distorted perceptions about me as well as others.
Change is hard. It’s easier to sit back and feel sorry for myself instead of doing something about it. I am trapped behind a wall. A wall I built years ago to keep people out and protect myself. Now I’m trapped behind that wall and don’t know how to get out.
I have one close friend but a age difference no close family and have battled depression in the past. I have a job but it’s in my home.. I don’t even know what I want to do with my life and at my age I think that’s pretty sad. Sometimes I feel like I’m just sitting by watching my life go by and counting down the days until it’s finally over and I can be free. I laugh and smile but it’s all fake. At the end of the day I’m still alone and empty inside. There’s this huge pit inside me. I don’t know how to get to know people. I don’t know how to let people get close to me without running the other way. I don’t know how to move forward. I don’t want to be like this.
I want to be happy.
But i dont know where to start..
Oh dear lady went thru this after my first marriage ended my heart bleds for you an it is not easy to fight your way out of it but people will help if you give them a chance.
Thank you Mel.. and sorry for your loss too :love:
SWEET LADY, I AM HERE FOR YOUR ( EITHER PROFILE ) IF EVER YOU NEED A SHOULDER. I HAVE NEVER LOST A LOVE TO DEATH BUT I HAVE TO DIVORCE MANY YEARS AGO. YOU ARE WELCOME TO EMAIL ME ANY TIME…I WILL NOT BREAK YOUR CONFIDENCE.
I ONLY HAVE ONE PROFILE JEAN .. AND THANK YOU SO MUCH I WILL E-MAIL YOU . :love:
Awww…big hugs and lots of love to you! Remember, that nobody can make you happy, but yourself. I know the pain of loss only too well and it takes time to heal from it. :love: :love: :love:
You so right Angel . Thank you :love: :love:
Dear Lil D. I know all too well about building walls to protect what sanity and feeling you have left. I too built a wall long ago; brick by brick I reinforced that wall till I finally felt I was safe from anyone ever being able to hurt me again. Like you I hid myself behind a mask, a mask that covered my pain and tears. That mask became my shield and kept people from ever knowing what lay inside.
Although I can’t say with any certainty what you are exactly feeling or claim to have answers to the painful emotions that have chained you down… I can understand a person’s sense of loss, the inability to trust and share those dark thoughts that haunt from within. I know how hard it is to open your life up and allow yourself to become vulnerable as people peer in and once again know of your weaknesses, fears, and hurt. I know and can understand because I have been at that low point where I could no longer look any further down, I was as low as one could be and I too… more than anything… wanted to be happy.
Lil D. I have seen your words and I have listened to your heart… and there have been times that these words, these very caring and heartfelt words, brought tears to my eyes. You have a heart of gold my friend and it was never meant to be locked away behind a wall, it was meant to be shared and that is what you have been doing here at FriendBurst with all of us.
You say that you don’t know how to move forward or where to start… my dear you are already doing it with what you have shared here in this post. You have opened that door and taken that first, and the hardest, step.
Now all you need to do is do what I did a few years ago… start taking down that wall the same way it went up… one brick at a time. Take small steps till you gain the strength to trust again. And when you do finally take that mask off, see the world as it should be seen… with you in it. :love:
I HAVE BEEN IN THE STATE YOU ARE FEELING ALONE NO WHERE TO TURN, I TOOK IT ONE DAY AT A TIME, ONCE I EVEN LOST THREE DAYS MAYBE FOUR , FOR SIX MONTHS I HID IN SHADOWS AFRAID TO DO MUCH OF ANYTHING THAT MIGHT BRING JOY OR PAIN IT TOOK A WHILE TO REIMERGE BUT I FOUND IT BETTER TO GO OUT THERE INTO THE MOVMENT AND BEGIN AGAIN LEFT MY GRIEF BEHIND TRIED TO MAKE A LIFE. I HAD NO ONE TO RUN BACK TOO SO I HAD TO GO FORWARD,, I HAVE TO ADMIT I FEEL BETTER,, TO REACH OUT MAKE A FRIEND IS GOOD TOO SOMEONE TO FIND THAT LOST SMILE OR HIDDEN GIGGLE. COME ON LEAVE THE MASK OF FEAR BEHIND AND JUST TAKE A TINY STEP FORWARD WAIT AND DO IT AGAIN SOON YOUR DOING IT WITH EASE THANK YOU FOR BEING MY FREIND TOO HUGS INKY
Thank you Inky
Just met you and already feel you are a precious soul . Thank you for the words of comfort , I really appreciate :love:
Lov you. Hugs.
U can make a start Lil.D by coming out from behind that wall u built. Until u do people can not reach you.
U have certainly been through a very painful journey but try to keep strong. U are NOT a failure. Never think you are. Life can be very cruel and sometimes it can all seem just too much to cope with but there is always hope. U have a close friend – age is irrelevant – hold on to her and share what ur feeling. Is there no way you could visit ur family or have them come to see you ?
l don’t know why u say you don’t know how to get to know people Lil. D – u are so friendly and open l find that l am getting to know u pretty well and l’m liking what l know 🙂
U seem to be afraid to let anyone get too close. U are afraid of being hurt again and rejection. We all risk that happening when we open up ourselves to people but sometimes it is worth the risk.
Please know that you are valued and that people care. U have seen evidence of that on here.
Keep positive ( l know easier said than done ) but ‘this too will pass’ xo
Thank you so much Deb, i really cherish you kindness and friendship. My problem is that i come out from the shell ..share everything ..open up ..and all of the sudden i run away 🙁 im always scared to say the wrong thing .
Regarding going to visit family its a very tight financially for all of us .
First, I am happy to be your friend .. I don’t know your age, but I’ll tell you mine..I’ll be 59 in November .. I have lost the Love of my life, I wanted to die, and tried to take my own life .. then another Man I loved died of Cancer.. One of my children won’t speak to me, the other has been hurt by three men in her life, to the point of severe depression.. So i can kinda relate to you .. But I can not feel your pain, the way you do.. We are all different, we grieve in different ways .. … I am a very outgoing person, I like people, and I like to share my world .. .. I will pray you find what you r looking for .. and be at peace with YOU .. (((HUGS))) ..
:love: :love: Jazzy
Thank you Jazzy :love: one of my son barely talk to me too 😥
I’m sorry for you loss and pain I really cherish our friendship.
Hugs
Lil D ,To me Change is one of the hardest thing in the world for me i have always been a pretty strong person well i have had to be but when it come’s to change i dont do well at all so i understand ,But Honey you have a heart of gold and your such a wonderful lady and i am sure in time you will find someone to spend the rest of your life with and when you do he will be happy to welcome your family in to his life as well you are way to sweet of of person to be alone i wish i had some magic words to say to make you feel better and make all of your hurt go away but i dont but i can offer you my friendship i can tell you i am right here if there is anything i can to to help you ok sending you lots of love and Wonderful Blessings to help you feel a little better ! :love:
Thank you Debbie and believe me you all make me feel better already ..you are all so kind and sweet and i love your frienship ..today i feel very blessed to have all of you .
:love: :love: :love: :love: :love:
You know i have the same problem, I really don’t know your personal life nor you mine but loss has been so full so loss and still going through it only now i fight my own loss! I’m terrible at talking with people even here on the computer. I sometimes feel like when i drop my hello’s everywhere people just go ” where is she coming from ” 😆 I just don’t know who to start conversations! Ask me a question and i will answer but i just chalked it up to that’s me. I’m sorry you feel alone but by looking up top you have a lot of people whom care! You hang in there and things will get better! If you need a vent i am here! P.S. When you find out how to climb that wall you let me know i could use it! ; ) :love: