FriendBurst Blog

                             Hi Torque Gravity:  A little known scientific phenomenon.

     It’s been around as long as its cousin, linear gravity, although not as well known because it occurs in seemingly random places and times.  Linear or common gravity as described by Newton is usually thought of as the complete force in its singular form because it is omnipresent and quantifiable.  Given a perfect vacuum a falling object will accelerate at a rate of 32ft per second squared continuously.  That’s what we all learned in school, and it’s true.  In the secret scientific circles throughout the world there are murmurs of another form of gravity that Newton and Einstein’s theories never publicly tried to explain.  It is spoken of in hushed whispers at academic cocktail parties from Beijing to Philadelphia as non-linear, logarithmic, or by its common name, hi torque gravity.  It is a poorly kept secret among the hi-Q of world intelligentsia.

     Of course, we common folks have been vaguely aware of it for years.  Remember the first time your blushing bride tried to help your Mother do dishes?  Mother was quite gracious about it, and has never mentioned that precious porcelain bowl to this day.   Remember trying to help your Mother-in-Law move her furniture?  That cut-glass lamp she bought on her only trip to Europe fairly leapt from your hands.  She’s been nice enough to never bring up the subject again.    Remember handing your Father one of his tools while he lay under the car?  He wasn’t as nice as your Mum would have been, but you shouldn’t misjudge his anger.  He never believed in hi torque gravity anyway.  He was such a Luddite.  No one but no one ever talks about the time cousins Lee Roy and Dave rented a cherry picker to change the engine in that old Plymouth.  After 40 years, their own families won’t talk about it, so neither shall I.

     There was the beautiful hand-crafted figurine I bought her for one of our early anniversaries.  Without warning, it suddenly jumped energetically from both our hands as I was proudly presenting it to her.  And proud, I should have been, it cost me a half-week’s wages.  The unlucky statuette held up bravely for the first two bounces, defiantly staying in one piece.  Even by the third bounce it had only broken in two.  It could have still have been repaired and the resulting epoxied crack would have enhanced its value as a conversation piece.  For its fourth and final bounce it accelerated quickly and destroyed itself completely on the floor.  All that remained was a dusting of glass particles so fine you could have walked barefoot across them unharmed.  Blinded by our love and ignorant of scientific fact, we each insisted upon accepting blame for being clumsy enough to allow it to happen.  Naturally, we both know better now.

     Our children are old enough to realize that there are times when gravity seems to do perverse things, but are unwilling to accept the scientific fact that there are random pockets of it enhanced by some mysterious hi torque force.  Parents with children at home soon stop referring to “jelly side down” as mere superstition, but stop short of admitting it to be what it really is, a playful form of hi torque gravity.

     Sometimes, when in that ethereal world between sleep and coffee, I see a large blackboard with chalk formulae that I have compiled over the years which is on the verge of proving it mathematically.  As a rule, during the moments of enlightenment, I fall soundly asleep then and have to start over when I am nearly awake in the morning.  When I am near completing it in the morning, I am always awakened by the smell of bacon and coffee or the sounds of hi torque gravity ripping a plate of fried eggs from my poor wife’s hands.

     It’s a force of nature that would have been outed by science long ago, were it not so perversely intermittent.  There are times when it seems to have dark spiritual qualities as well, and once I have completed my carefully collected computations, it will be completely explained to the satisfaction of skeptics everywhere.  The science is, in fact, settled.  Only the proof is missing.   

     My primary fear is that, in my current dotage, upon rising each morning I am less than well balanced. I usually sway around for a few minutes until my inner ear joins the rest of me and I can walk without falling.  During this period of time I am keenly aware of my vulnerability to a random, or even designed field of hi torque gravity which could easily drop kick me off the wall and into the next world.  If that should happen, it will be up to modern science to prove that which Glow and I have long since discovered.