God Help the Outcasts
When I was a little girl, I was very shy and very sensitive. My feelings were often hurt easily but at the same time because of this, I was also able to be sensitive to other people’s feelings as well and did my best to try and not hurt anyone. (Some things never change.) Being an only child and also being one of the youngest kids on my block (everyone else was an older teenager) I never really had any friends or playmates my own age but learned to how to keep myself entertained and happy with the help of my toys and my vivid imagination. But while I loved and enjoyed my very own little playworld, the one thing I always wanted to have was a friend. On TV shows like The Brady Bunch, everyone just always seemed to have friends automatically so once I started school, I assumed it would be just like on TV. I thought I would just automatically make new friends, everyone would like me and everyone would be nice and play nice with each other just like on TV. HA! This goes to show you what happens when you use a family with an Astroturf lawn as your source of reality.
When I was 6 years old, I entered the first grade (I never went to kindergarten but already knew the alphabet, numbers and how to read, thanks to my parents, Sesame Street, and The Electric Company). There was a small group of girls my age there who were all “best friends” and they actually welcomed me into their “click” immediately. Now if anyone has seen the movie “Mean Girls”, starring Lindsay Lohan, you will know that in the movie there is a click of girls that others called “The Plastics” because they all seemed so pretty and perfect on the outside, yet they were really a bunch of “mean girls” on the inside. Well, clicks of girls just like this happens in the real world all of the time and can exist at any age, as I was soon to discover……
Now while I was happy to have friends for the first time in my life, my happiness was short lived once I discovered what else was involved with these friendships. These little girls may not have been all bad, but they weren’t all good, either. I saw them often exclude another little girl who was born with two fingers shorter than the rest from playing with us simply because she was different. I saw them sometimes tease a boy who had asthma and was, admittedly, a bit “different” but still not so different that he deserved to be teased. I saw them be two faced with one another as two girls in particular would call each other their “best friend” yet when one was absent from school for a day, the other would say “Oh I am so glad she’s not here. I don’t like her” only to be completely overjoyed upon their return, saying how much they missed the other. The sad irony of it all was they had everyone fooled, teachers and parents alike, into believing that they were truly just as I described “The Plastics” before. No one could see or had any idea what it was REALLY like to be in this inner circle.
At such a young age and having been so sheltered up until then, I didn’t know exactly how to verbalize what was going so I could tell my parents what was bothering me. All I knew was I didn’t like it. I used to dread going to school so much because of it that my stomach was often tied up in knots and every Sunday night, I would get sick to my stomach literally because I dreaded returning to school on Monday morning and have to deal with them. My parents would always ask me ask what was wrong and reassured me that I could tell them, but I just didn’t have the words or the courage to. I also didn’t have the guts to risk becoming an “outsider”…..then at least….. so I just bottled up all of my pain and feelings and kept it all inside of me. But then one day, a bright spot entered my life.
About 2 months before school let out for summer a new little girl joined the class. Her name was Sakina Paige. She was also very shy and quiet and had a very calm but sweet demeanor about her. She also joined out “group” but she was different. She wasn’t like the rest of the girls. Her and I took an instantly liking to one another and became best friends. While we played Barbies with the “The Plastics” we always enjoyed it best when we could just play them with each other. I was often sick with stomach viruses and sore throats throughout the 1st and 2nd grade and when I would return to school I usually wasn’t up to rough play in the schoolyard at recess. Sakina would always sit and play games with me while everyone else ran around and played. I never felt alone having her as my friend and her friendship meant the world to me. Her presence in my life made having to deal with The Plastics bearable. We were all together from the 1st grade through the 3rd grade and while some “plastics” left, new ones came in to replace them but nothing ever changed ….until one day… but it was not for the better. Just as unexpectedly as Sakina had come into my life, she left it the same way. One day I called her like I often did but no one answered. I tried calling her for two weeks and the results were always the same, NOTHING. Without warning, without reason….and without even as so much as a goodbye…… Sakina was gone from my life. I never heard from her again. When I returned to school that September, one of the teachers told me she thought that Sakina and her Mom had moved to Texas but they weren’t sure. If that was the case, why couldn’t she have just simply told me she was moving away? I felt so sad, so hurt and so alone. I felt like I had just lost my best friend…..because I had. What made it worse was not only had I lost Sakina, but now I was left to fend with The Plastics all by myself.
As I got older I became wiser and less and less tolerant of the “politics” in our little group. Eventually I found the words to tell my parents about what was going on and eventually I started to learn to speak up to The Plastics, too. Then one day, my supposed “friends” all turned on me. I don’t recall anything in particular happening this day but for whatever reason, a few of the girls from our group cornered me in the classroom and started tormenting me and throwing bits of modeling clay at me and refused to stop. I believe we had a substitute teacher that day so everything was a free for all anyway. I managed somehow to break away from them, ran into the bathroom, and cried my eyes out. Everything changed that day and something had also changed inside of me. My supposed “friends” no longer played with me and now I was often alone on the playground. I was marked “an outcast”. I became quiet and distant from the other kids because after this and after what happened with Sakina, I felt I could no longer trust anyone in fear that someone else would hurt me, too. I put up an emotional wall so high and wide that I would not, or could not, let anyone through it. Strange thing is for as much hurt as I felt now being on the outside looking in, I also felt free for the very first time. Eventually I befriended other outcasts, but at the same time always kept them at a safe emotional distance, never really letting them in. I became a lone wolf.
Both in childhood and adulthood, I have always found the outcasts of the world to be amongst the nicest people I have ever known. When you’re rejected by the world, you really have no reason to be anyone but your own true self because you have no one to try and impress or put airs on for. And then again isn’t it often the nice, sweet, and sensitive kids and people in this world that are signaled out from the rest and picked on? It’s because we’re viewed as easy targets that wont fight back. It’s viewed that our kindness makes us “weak” and thus different from the rest. God help us outcasts…but in reality, just who is need of “help” more? Those of us on the outside….. or those who choose to place us there and keep us there?
Beautiful write!
I believe it’s the ones that rely on the popularity/conformist power structure for their own self worth that need the most help. The trick is getting them to stop throwing clay long enough to love themselves apart from the group identity. It can happen under the right circumstances. 😉 :love:
oh my, there is some powerful stuff here. Excellent write. I think everyone feels the need to belong, but the Bible teaches us that while we are ‘in’ the world, we are not to be ‘of’ the world. The world is full of those who would ridicule others especially those who show kindness to others. Our sin nature compels us to do things that are very unbecoming and that harms people physically and spiritually. There will always be those who feel superior to others but the person that has the heart of God understands that to serve another is the greatest thing someone can do. Being meek does not mean someone is weak. It means we are tempered and our strength comes from above.
I so understand what you went through. When I was in the 8th grade and living in Honolulu, I attended the public schools. Being blond and Caucasian I stood out among the natives. At that time there was much animosity among the natives with the Caucasians, Haole’s as they called them. And truthfully, it was pretty justified considering what the white Englishman did to them. But anyway, so one day while at school and outside, some of the girls encircled me while i was walking to music class and told me that i need to go to a certain bathroom. Well I did not go to that bathroom because I knew what they would have done to me. Eventually the teachers came over. But I have to tell you I was afraid to go to school after that. So I understand the bullying that goes on between girls.
In the end, true friends are priceless – all the other people don’t count but you have to deal with them socially.
But one thing I’ve noticed is that many of the most successful people that I know were at one time or another an outcast.
Another thing I’ve noticed is that people that spend a great deal of effort to be and remain popular often end up with more stress trying to maintain their social position.
In the end, what is most important is what a person is on the inside. Everything else is outside.
be true to yourself, the rest will follow.
To be MOST OF US is to be an outcast. Those who throw bricks always find a reason. I swear there is no “In Crowd”.
Just mean people.
“2 1/2 Kudos*
I can not contribute anything worthwhile… Killer entry.
<3
went through so many changes during childhood that I can’t even sum them up right..
been an outcast,fought fire with fire,played doctor with barbies,replaced barbies with the girl friends…I remember in school I was always fighting and mostly on self defense but sometimes I had retribution fits and I guess I was the outcast/scapegoat that was always in the center of attention because of the permanent scandals.And funny thing ,I was friends with each bully ,when he was alone.They came to me to socialize and confide in me ,but when they all got together I knew ok fight club- just like a roleplay. And then I had to take them down when they were alone ,but after they thought they were safe with me .I just hated EVERYONE.Until I grew bored of (real)hating in *adulthood* .And I guess I always wore my insides out and they got paved ,while I’m still keeping the S&M-ish frame 😛
Sometimes making a stand for something you know in your heart is right can be the hardest thing to do. Even though you know it is not the most popular position, you still stand tall and let your voice be heard.
At times the mind can be weak, but a true loving heart is always brave.
I was the nerd in the class so I know a lot about being the outcast or as I prefer the outsider.
I was the shy withdrawn one in school until one day in the 8th grade someone decided to pick on this “under privileged” black girl in
my class…that was the last straw for me..Jeanette was her name…Fire flew in me…and I went off. No one had the right to pick on
her and make fun of her because she as slower than most people. I saw Jeanette about 15 years ago..she remembered me…. That
fills my heart. I may be an outsider, an outcast, or the black sheep, it matters not..but I do stand up for what I know is right and
those that doesn’t like me for who I am or for what I believe can walk away from me… my heart will still beat. I may be sad a
while but it will be alright.
I was the gofer for a few groups but had one true friend wherever my family moved to. I learned earlier to adapt in new schools and not think of myself first….moved around so much….dad was in service! I didn’t realize most my life I was who everyone wanted me to be and after few dramas with losing family it dawned on me……Who are you and what are you doing with your life. At age 30 I woke up and learned to love myself and take life by the balls and live my dreams one day at a time. 😉
These autobiographical sketches of your life are fabulous!
I came to realize that the “in” group in public school consisted of a small band of a few elite. They came from wealthier families, nice homes, dressed like models, introduced the latest fashions, and disregarded the “common” folk. A majority of the other kids became their fan club, ATTEMPTING to be “in” with the “in” group. They lost their identity in the process. The in group simply ignored them. However, a large number of in group wannabes turned on the other wannabes, ostracizing them, hounding them with mockery and scorn, labels and physical beatings.
I stood back with scorn for the entire system, trying my best to find protective coloration with the woodwork. It worked for so long until one fateful day. A girl with a skin disorder that covered her entire physique began attending the Denver school. I watched her get called names, harassed, ostracized and even threatened with physical punishment, from the entire one thousand kid school. I was appalled at the pack of cowards. Not one soul stood up for her, so I walked out of the woodwork, to protect her, and took her under my wing. We became best friends.
To my shock, I became the target of the wolves’ hatred. The entire school turned on me with a vengeance. I was tripped when I was on crutches, to fall to the floor, scoffed, called names, yelled obscenities to, stalked, sticks and rocks thrown at me. Every friend I thought I had dropped me flat. The label, Avery Lover (Avery was the last name of my friend with the skin disorder), was super-imposed over my birth name. Years later, after our family had moved to a different location, I was walking down the hall of my highschool. A cry echoed out of the milling kids, “HI Avery Lover!”
One day I sat down at my desk and the girl next to me challenged, “I choose you” (which was an invitation in that day to fight). I stared at her in disbelief. Me fight HER? And lower myself to her level? Tempting. I knew I could beat her to a pulp. I had been raised wrestling with my 6′ 2″ dad. I was stronger than the boys! She would wish she had never challenged me because the sequel would be that she was unable to ever fight again, perhaps even walk, breathe or eat! I went back to my work, totally ignoring her. She responded almost fearfully!
Those days were a living nightmare, but I am grateful for every minute of them. I would never again give society and their controls another minute of my time or respect. They could kill the body, but they could not touch the soul. From that time forth my path would be marched to the beat of a different drummer.
Moonlight!!!!
I actually saw this article the other day – http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1384310/Take-Mean-Girls-New-book-explains-todays-high-school-losers-tomorrows-success-stories.html
I do know from experience of being a regular little posse of one throughout most of my school years that it really did teach me independence and self-reliance. I was achingly lonely at times – a loneliness that couldn’t even be articulated because firstly;there was nobody to articulate it to,and secondly;even if there was someone to whom I could speak about it,that such loneliness DOES render one completely mute. So it just feeds on itself. And I don’t mean the loneliness of just being on your own; more the loneliness of feeling there are no kindreds in the whole world. Waah,emo 😀
But,on the plus side – I learned how to deal with it as I grew older,and it really doesn’t affect me anymore. Although I can understand how we need others around us (whether they are like us or not) in order to know the boundaries of our own characters. Actually opposition is the MOST beneficial for knowing oneself,because it’s very easy to have strong convictions if they are never tested.