Three Cheese Jesus
Let me first state…freely…that I am not an authority on anything conventionally religious…in this arena of life my kung-fu is very weak…very. Sure…sure…I was raised a Presbyterian…attended services (Sometimes…when another troubled youth and myself were not screwing around downtown.)…but…I never achieved the status to partake of Holy Communion.
My understanding of Holy Communion is the wafer turns into the flesh of Christ and the wine into the blood of Christ…as far as I know…that’s the idea…a weirdo-ramma …mystical…magical…transformation occurs in ones body. Although not heavenly sanctioned…I tried a wafer once and I have to ask…WHY DOES JESUS HAVE TO TASTE SO FLAKY DRY AND BAD?!
Once said troubled youth and myself were rummaging around the Pastors office minding our own business. What? Of course it was during services or we wouldn’t have been able to do it! I’m not sure what we were looking for…perhaps nick knacks…possibly something to blackmail him with…a naughty photograph or two…or maybe just to see what a Pastor keeps in his desk. In any event…what we did find…was a bag of those Holy Communion wafers! GOLD! WE HIT FUCKING GOLD! So in our impish curiosity…we each popped one in our mouths…*crunch…crunch*.
“WHAT…THE…FUCK! THTALE! THTAAAALE!! HELP UTH JETHUTH…HELP UTH JETHUTH!” We were immediately smitten to the ground where we clawed at out mouths and gagged…”WE’RE THORRY JETHUTH…WE’RE THORRY…THOP THMITTING UTH…PLEATHE!“.
It was horrible! What do they make those wafers out of? Are they 2,000 plus years old? Is there a sacred vault somewhere housing these things?! They were clinging and sticking to the insides of our mouths! “DIRTY THOCKTH…DIRTY THOCKTH!“. In a panic we quickly searched for the wine…water…soda…anything to wash those crumbling dusty particles down…or better yet…out of our mouths! Finding nothing we fled from the office in a frantic search for liquids!
Now…see…this is what I don’t understand. Why…when it’s going to magically change in ones body anyway…would it have to be something that tasted so heinous?! Why not Domino’s pizza bits? Pizza Hut? Marcos? Is the horrible texture and taste somehow part of a “Ritual of Suffering”? Why? FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WHY?! Would it not be sacrilegious to make Jesus taste bad? Should not Jesus taste good? And what about those that don’t like wine…or…are recovering Alcoholics?
Why should Holy Communion be a traumatic culinary experience? Why not make it an enjoyable one…*MMmmmmMmmm…Dominos pizza bits and a shot of Pepsi…MMMmmMmmm.*…would not Jesus want you to enjoy eating His body and drinking His blood (And people think my vampire fixation is weird)? I think He would. Red cups for regular…blue cups for diet…it’s easy!
I just don’t get it.
I went to church, also Presbyterian, maybe half a dozen times in my youth, and that was at my request. My parents were ex-Catholics and didn’t want anything to do with the church. So at age 8, when I suddenly got all God-curious, they just took me to the nearest building with a cross on top.
I remember those Presbyterian eucharists being passed down the aisle, and they looked delicious! They looked like giant croutons! Never did taste one though.
Maybe the one’s in the pastor’s office were the ones past their expiration date, and well, you can’t just toss the body of Christ in the trash, now can you?
You made me laugh. Thanks. 😉