FriendBurst Blog

Now…let’s start off with the fact that we from Planet Hug don’t rocket around the universe tossing out hugs willy nilly. On our world hugs are only given to those most special to us. Unlike the universe at large…our hugs mean something…they mean we’ve let you in…they mean we trust you. Oh at times we get a surprise…an unexpected hug from the occasional wandering humanoid…but quickly our bodies react and become rigid…we lower our visors…turn on our oxygen…then don’t hug back! “Why did this alien think they could touch us in such a manner?”…a “Hugwhore”…that’s the horrifying truth…a goddamn Hugwhore!

Hugwhores do wander aimlessly about the universe throwing out hugs willy nilly. Female Hugwhores crave the constant affirmation of their huggableness and in the case of the predatory…mostly male…”Friend Hugwhores”…well…we here on Planet Hug know how to eradicate them.

Both genders of “Friend Hugwhores”…or…”Hugwhori”…have sharp barbed thorns that line their inner arms and legs and once attached to a host will clutch with all their might! This natural instinct becomes very bothersome when a Supreme Ruler is in countdown to take their Honey Bunny to the moon and stars.

Hugwhores are sly…keep a close eye on their large gaping mouths. Should a Hugwhore’s mouth start to open it’s best to snatch them up by the scruff of their necks…remove…and then crush them under your gravity boots. Don’t bother looking for those sharp barbed thorns…we believe they retract after death…at least we’ve never found any to catalog. Should one of you female space travelers not have help to remove a clutching “Male Predator Hugwhore”…we here on Planet Hug have developed over the millennia an effective removal maneuver.

Place the palm of your hand on the offensive Hugwhore’s forehead and gently push it’s bulbous head slightly back. When it’s gaping mouth drops open and it starts making a gasping sucking sound…VIOLENTLY extend your arm straight out! This will drop the bothersome Hugwhore to the floor where you can stomp and kick it.

While most are not…some Hugwhores can be as cute as space kittens and truly only want one quick small clutch of recognition. Don’t misunderstand…we here on Planet Hug begrudgingly allow this type of infestation…although…it is difficult to determine…on appearance alone…a harmless from a predatory Hugwhore. We have studied the Hugwhore closely in it’s natural environment and have found that both types…even the harmless Hugwhore…can quickly become uncontrollable over a short period of time…so…we offer this chart to aid in determination…

1 nanosecond hug with no pelvic proxcimitry…Cute as space kittens.

2 nanosecond hug with 1 nanosecond of pelvic encounter…Code Yellow

3 nanosecond hug with constant pelvic encounter…Red Alert

4 nanosecond hug with constant pelvic encounter combined with gaping sucking oral attack…Remove With Extreme Prejudice

In closing…we here on Planet Hug understand that many of you humanoid space travelers live on other planets and may have different infestation protocols…but do try and remember…In a Galaxy far…far away…