On Being Galiant with Online Dating
Random, baffling moment from my day. I was paying for a few items at the drugstore. Having a pocket full of coins, my change was exactly one dollar.
“Would you care for one of the new gold dollar coins?” the gentleman cashier, who bore an uncanny resemblance to Georges Gurdjieff (left), asked me politely. I suppose some might object to being handed legal, but unfamiliar new currency.
You know the coins I’m talking about. Like the state quarters, each one is different, each bearing the image of a former US president.
I wonder if they’re like baseball cards and those with presidential “superstars” are worth more than “commons”? Ooo! A rookie Thomas Jefferson coin! Worth more than a James Buchanon, Polk and William Henry Harrison put together!
I digress.
“Sure!” I replied and took the shiny gold coin from his hand. The first of these coins I’ve had in my pocket.
I was going to put a picture of the coin here, but now I can’t find it. I suppose that’s part of why some people don’t like little round dollars.
“Aha! A Grover Cleveland!” I declare on first glimpse of the bearded portrait on the “heads” side of the coin.
“Oh wait…” I pause, looking closely at the name under the embossed head, “it’s a James Garfield.”
“HA!” the little old lady in line behind me guffawed. “YOU CAN’T TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A GROVER CLEVELAND AND A JAMES GARFIELD? HAHAHAHA!”
She was genuinely amused by my mistake and derisively condescending in her disbelief. She even patted me on the shoulder whilst continuing to chuckle.
What the heck?
Okay sure, Grover Cleveland didn’t have a beard. Cleveland wore a bow tie and had a double chin. He also married a 21 year old girl at age 49 while serving as president. Cleveland was a draft dodger, hiring a surrogate to serve for him in the Civil War while Garfield was a hero of the war and was tragically assassinated in office. Fine. They were very different presidents, but honestly, who can tell these days between all these late-19th-Century presidents anyways?
I shook my head and left with my bag of paper towels, glycerin soap and Top Ramen, my dignity slightly miffed.
***
Can I say my dignity was “miffed”? Is that proper word choice? I watching my DVR recordings today of the Sunday news shows and heard Fred Thompson (insert Law and Order special effect noise here) make up a new word on national television. On Meet the Press, whilst offering support to the Santorum family with the illness of their youngest child, Thompson called Rick a “galiant warrior“. Very galiant in his fight for conservative values over the years.
I truly hope the Bela Santorum recovers okay, and I suppose I can’t object to Rick being called a “galiant”… as “galiant” isn‘t a word! I guess Fred couldn’t decide between “gallant” and “valiant”. See 1:18 in the video below.
***
Spent the rest of the afternoon giving the Joko abode a thorough cleaning. Rearranged furniture. Vacuumed up the sunflower seed shells and dust bunnies breeding behind my computer desk. Donned latex gloves and attacked the bathroom mold and mildew.
I did all this in preparation of a female visitor.
It’s been 6 years since my divorce, and in that time, I haven’t really been actively dating. After decades of neglecting my own goals and desires in deference to my partner’s, these last few years have been me doing what I want to do for me. I’ve been way too into me to have room for anyone else.
Something’s changing. Hard to say what. Maybe the simple fact that one can only deny human instinct for so long.
In any case, I can’t have a hideously dirty apartment while a first impression might need to be made at any time. It’s like the male bird who spiffs up his nest site before courting the female.
Now, how to find this date? Aha! The Internet!
Back in my MySpace heyday, I actually managed to use my popularity as a blogger to get laid. Really! Three times!! Girls read my blog and wanted to do me. Those days are long gone now, but their aftereffects are that when it comes to using the internet to satisfy my desire to copulate…err…find a meaningful relationship, I’m comfortable just being myself and letting whatever happens, happen. I don’t have to WORK for it, do I? Well, the second I work for it, schmooze, be the playah, try to woo women online, well, then I‘m no longer being myself and that is something I refuse to do or be.
Unfortunately, as I’m finding out, just setting up a profile on a internet dating site, writing an honest and charming description of myself and posting some pictures, well, that hasn’t worked. My profile doesn’t get any attention. On these sites, the strategy of trying to be attractive fly-paper doesn’t seem to work… at least not for men.
So, a couple nights ago, I went ahead and paid the fees that would allow me to e-mail other members. I read the Match.com guidelines for what makes an effective introductory e-mail (personalize your response showing that you actually read the other person’s profile, don’t be long winded and tell your life’s story and pay attention to spelling and typos), found ladies who I liked and seemed to be looking for someone like me and took the plunge. I’ve sent out 7 emails in the last three days, and up until this afternoon, I have not had not a single response.
Damn. This is worse than having your pickup lines ignored at the bar. Online, I bare myself in my profile, express personalized interest in her and invite judgment. To get no responses, no “winks”, no e-mails…wow.. It’s humiliating. I use that word in it’s true sense, humiliation means “to-be-made-humble,” and perhaps that’s something I could use more of. That said, all the hot chicks say they’re looking for a “confident” guy. Well, lady, you ignoring me ain’t making me any more confident!
Oh, then this afternoon, I got my first “wink” and my first e-mail.
The wink was from a Russian lady whose profile had already been deleted by the time I logged on to receive my wink. Great. A Spam Wink.
My very first e-mail on Match.com was not a response to one of my e-mails. No, instead it was from this young lady here.
Her message was impersonal, made no reference to anything on my profile, making me believe it was just a cut-and-paste job she was sending to who knows how many guys. The message was unreadable with its wordiness and run on sentences. She was as good with punctuation as she was with centering her photograph. Lastly, she wrote about how much she liked “going to new resterants” (sic).
I don’t think this is the lady I cleaned my toilet for.
I’m sure I’ll be writing more here on my blog on the whole dating thing. Given how it’s starting out, it can only get better, right?
N
Personally I only accept gold coins from certain years with a Krugerrand Mark on them,I don’t care how gentlemanly
the cashier appears to be……Call me cautious but this is a personal policy that I am unwilling to break no matter how good the new…”gold?”… coin looks…. 😉
Huh. Fred Thompson is just about the only republican that I have heard pronounce “nuclear” correctly (instead of nuculer)— maybe valiant is his own secret “say it wrong like your in a special club” code word.
I use those coins a lot at work. They are handy in our vending machines added to the fact that the bill accepters on all the vending machines except the change machine are playful and like the game of “try again” as your coworkers are looking at their watches…
I just throw a $5 bill into the change machine and it spits out 5 shiny dollar coins (that I duly inspect for errors on the edges that can make you some money).
That lady’s picture looks suspiciously cropped like she cut her husband’s half of the image out!
I sincerely hope you meet a good match. It happens. I have a childhood friend that met a woman online from across the country. They have been happily married for 8 years now. She’s a federal civil service court transcription tech and he is a school bus mechanic— got 3 kids. It really does happen.
Hmmmmm,
I think that its those things that make you different that attract the ladies.
If you haven’t already done so, you might just mention that you like to be cast as the zany characters in local theater plays…etc..
That you like to do the funny videos that you post on here…etc…
Part of what what was attractive to Lika about me, was my unusual taste for Eurodance music and my passion for equal rights across the board.
Its when you try the hardest, that you seem to get no results.
A humorous look at your situation again. I love how you just keep smiling. 😉
I did the online dating thing, too, back in 2003 when it was still supposed to be a cootie filled act of desperation and something to be shunned an frowned upon. To all the naysayers out there… I say BAH! I met my ex-BF, whom I was with for 4 and half years, in the Yahoo personals and my BF now on MySpace. The internet, for me at least, has been just as good as any other place is to meet people. You have to take caution when you meet someone new ANYWHERE, so just as long as you don’t accept a date from a Nigerian princess who REALLY needs your help by giving her your bank account and SS#….you’ll be just fine.
I’ve been out of the dating loop, online or otherwise, for awhile now so I don’t know how it is to swim in the cyberpool of love these days but if it make you feel at all better, I had my share of ignored emails, etc, too. In fact, on the first day I joined the Yahoo personals, I contacted a guy I really liked. We chatted for a little while, and then he “had to leave to get a haircut”. Never heard from him again. That night, a mortician IMed me and told me if I layed down he would do my makeup (that is 100% true, not kidding there). Needless to say a Love Connection was not made with either of them. Don’t be discouraged. Give it some time and be sure to write and blog about the freaks….I mean lovely people…..you will meet along the way. Trust me, I did it for just 6 months and I could write a novel about my experiences.
One more thing, at least from this female’s point of view, just be yourself and you will be fine. You are an attractive guy with a great sense of humor. Those two points alone score HUGE with me. And if a woman doesn’t appreciate your sense of humor, you don’t want her anyway. Life throws a lot of crap at us, and couples, and if you can’t laugh together to get through the tough times…..it’s gonna suck REAL bad! 🙄 Keep us posted!
Good luck with that, Joko.
Tip: Go “Dutch”, on the dates. 🙂
Joe.
I applaud you for your openness, Joko.
I am blessed that my cerebral interests and middle age now combine to make me largely uninterested in finding a significant other – or anyone else finding me (LOL). I find bliss with a small canine that only chews bones, doesn’t mess inside, bark much, is cute, loves hanging out with me, and has a great personality. If you don’t already have a dog, consider a long-term relationship from the local animal shelter dating service.
Though not completely true, one theory with some validity is that if I can’t convince people around me in person to go with me, what makes me think that I can do it online, then also persuade them in person over a long period of time?
Do I REALLY want to put up with their issues? And do they REALLY want to put up with mine? Separations answer, “No.”
I neither have nor need much human socializing. Which pleases me the more I realize how very deeply flawed we are that we do not acknowledge. But since you feel you need that, consider meeting others with similar interests (other than physical intimacy) for more ultimately rewarding and longer-term results.
Those who do not find dating success can find much greater success elsewhere in life. And if it makes you feel better, ponder the very large number of short and long-term disappointments people continue to self-inflict from the dating scene.